The last couple months have been rough. Money is tight, school work is piling high and general life stress takes its toll. I was stopped at a stoplight downtown. I was headed home, I was tired and I had a long drive ahead of me. I had no money for lunch and I was in a grumpy mood. I happened to take a glance to the far right corner, where a young man, about 17 was standing holding a sign. Typically I don't even read the sign, I just pretend not to notice. Whether its because I'm embarrassed of myself for feeling a step above them, or because I'm simply uncomfortable in those situations, I couldn't tell you, probably a combination of both. However fact that he was so young caught my eye and I read the few words scribbled upon this pathetic piece of cardboard. It read "just had a baby girl, parents kicked me out, need money for diapers and formula." Immediately I felt for this kid, that lump welled up in my throat and I felt the pity. The pity I try so hard to keep out of my mind and heart. If I acted on my pity for everyone I saw on a street corner, I would be there myself in a matter of days or weeks. However I knew this was different, the expression on the kids face was daunting and his body language radiated humility. You could honestly tell this kid was having a rough go of it and needed a loving brother of sister, a fellow son daughter of God, to be His hands and give this kid a boost.
I had already been sitting at this light for a while, so I rather frantically started to search my pockets and car compartments for any cash or change I might have. I mean Ive gotta have $5 right? nothing, notta. A few quarters were all I found. I had about made up my mind even the quarters would be better than anything and the light turned green. I was first in line and I just went. As I got farther and farther away the worse and worse I felt.
This wasn't the first time something like this had happened to me. Months earlier I had been walking around downtown and I had seen another young man, roughly the same age, standing outside a heavily trafficked area with a sign asking for money. As mentioned, I kept my head down and pushed forward, refusing to make eye contact because that is what I had been taught to do. As I rounded the corner to escape this awful uncomfortable situation I felt the feeling I needed to go back. At that time I actually did have money, I had something I could have shared with him. Of course you reason to yourself that they will "just use it for drugs or booze." That's how we make ourselves feel better. I ignored the feeling and kept going. But it came again, this time a little stronger. Again I ignored it. The thought finally crossed my mind to simply offer to take this kid to lunch and to, more importantly, talk to him.
I didn't do that either.
But after I got home that night this experience started to weigh heavily upon my mind and heart. When I was baptized a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later-day Saints I had promised to take Christ's name upon me. By doing so I promised that I would try my best to look after and care for my fellow brothers and sisters no matter who they be. And I also promised that I would be willing to be the hands that Heavenly Father needed me to be.
As I sat and pondered this, I realized that maybe what was important wasn't that I gave this kid money, but rather that I took the time to talk to him. That I took the time to show him that I cared. I think that is what was really important. And as I realized that, I began to feel more emotional than I could have anticipated, overwhelmed by my selfish and self centered actions. I always proclaim I'm a loving and caring person. I pride myself, unrighteous I might add, that I am a good listener and care about what the other has to say. Heavenly Father gave me those traits not so that I could be an ear for friends to whine and murmer to, but so that I may share this oversized heart that has brought me so much pain over the years with complete strangers and hopefully help them feel the love of God.
As I realized this I immediately prayed and promised my Heavenly Father I wouldn't ever let another opportunity pass me by, I apologized for not realizing this sooner and told him I would love an opportunity to bless the life of another. I made a vow to myself and to my God that I would try harder to pay more attention to those around me and use this gift I have been given so that I could make someone else smile.
So, as I drove away and remembered all of this and remembered that I had, once again, failed myself, my God and my fellow brother, immense sorrow and pain filled my heart. Why? How? How could I be so selfish to have let yet another opportunity pass me by. I realized that even though I had absolutely no money to offer this kid, I could have parked my car, walked over, and talked to him. I could have offered a hug, something he probably needed dearly at that time. I could have offered him friendship- yet another thing that would probably have been of benefit. And most importantly I know that if I would have followed through with the prompting of the Spirit of the Lord in that moment, the Spirit would have directed me to say things to this particular son of God that would have helped him in his desperate and saddening position. I could have offered him my testimony of Christ and Heavenly Father to lean on, giving him a rope to hold onto while he was stuck in this hole of confusion, fear and pain.
I'm sure I will screw up again. I am positive I will, at some point in my life, let other promptings go unattended and opportunities to go unchased. But I know that is where the power of the Atonement comes in, and because Christ suffered for all of our mistakes and really bad last second decisions we are given new opportunities. I pray that next time Heavenly Father presents me with the opportunity to be His hand in the blessing of another life, ill have the strength to follow through with the prompting and watch as a miracle unfolds.
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